Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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