We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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