I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
