I'm lost and stupid without you.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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