He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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