Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
