I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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