i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
