I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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