After last night, I could never be a politician.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
