Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
