I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
