We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
