I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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