I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Randomize
