There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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