Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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