i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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