How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
