Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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