I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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