i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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