I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
