okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
