Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
