After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
