I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
