I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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