I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
That accounts for only three of the penises
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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