i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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