do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
