what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
