i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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