James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
