Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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