i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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