My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
