Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i think my cat just said my name.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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