If that was your dad, he is hot
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
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I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
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Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex