im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
