yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
