I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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