Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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