if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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