There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
