birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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