Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
