the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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