So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
