I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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