Apparently you make a good broom.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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