Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
