New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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