soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
