idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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